Saying by J Paul Getty

For Yourself : The No. 1 guideline to success is you must be in business for yourself. When you work for someone else, you sell your time at wholesale to your employer, who then re-sells it at retail to the customer.

Efforts : I'd rather earn 1% off a 100 people's efforts than 100% of my own efforts.

Money : Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells.

Stress Free Living – The Long Road Home

Stress Free Living – The Long Road Home!

If there is one shared human experience that has become a global industry during the last twenty years it is ‘stress management’. Very few people seem to have noticed however, that stress management is an ‘oxymoron’. When you are stressed you are not managing anything the stress is managing you. Stress management, as we shall see, is really just self management.

It’s fairly safe to say that almost everyone gets stressed every day. Here is why. A definition of stress might sound like this. “Stress is a form of pain or discomfort that comes to tell you there is something you need to change”. And that means there is something you need to learn. No learning equals no change. Unfortunately many of us ‘learned’ to believe that our learning ended when we left school, but it didn’t, it started. School is largely an exercise in memorisation and memorisation isn’t learning. The real school is of course life itself, and every relationship is a workshop!

So lets play with our definition of stress for a moment and see where it takes us. You are sitting in your chair and your body sends you a message that it is uncomfortable. What do you do? You change your position. You don’t turn to the chair and say, “You rotten nasty chair, you are making me feel so uncomfortable”. (although some people do!) You put your hand in the fire and what do you feel, pleasure or pain? What do you do? You learn to never do it again. You change your behaviour instantly. The next level is emotion. You get angry. Pleasure or pain? (I hope you said pain otherwise you can now delete this article!) What do we learn? Absolutely nothing! We either shoot the messenger or ignore the messenger (or ask the messenger is there is some more message!) Reason? Most of us carry three beliefs that stop us hearing the message and making the necessary changes. Belief one – anger is good, it’s OK, don’t keep it in, let it out, it’s good to let others know how you feel, it may even make things better, make ‘others’ change. Belief two – its not me that’s making me angry, it’s them, therefore I have no control over my emotions. Belief three is more like an addiction, “I need to get angry, it helps me feel alive”. In which case this person will be frequently, if not constantly, go looking for an argument a fight, albeit a verbal one, so they have a good reason to get angry. They are addicted to the emotion and perhaps also to the chemicals that are created in the body i.e. adrenaline and cortisol, both of which, as ‘the science’ now tells us, will eventually kill our bodies if daily production continues.

The key belief however that keeps most of us stuck in our stress cycles of thought, emotion, action and outcome is the belief that generally runs the world today i.e. “Its not ME it’s THEM! It’s not me that makes me feel this way, it’s them that makes me feel this way”. Actually, no it’s not. It’s not them, it’s me! In other words it is not the event, the other person, the deadline, the environment, the state of world etc that ‘causes’ your stress, it is how you respond to them. And your response is entirely 100% your responsibility. That means the components of your response i.e. your thoughts, emotions, words and actions, are entirely 100% your creation.

Some people hate this idea and say, “But it’s natural to get upset and angry, its natural to feel frightened and edgy, its natural to feel sad and depressed”. Thereby either clinging on to their ‘stress’, or subconsciously attempting to avoid the work of changing what are probably habits of a lifetime. Others love this idea and embrace its insight as it means they can do something about their stress. It means they can liberate themselves from the suffering that all stress is. They see a new and deeper freedom up ahead.

The most common form of stress is when others or the world doesn’t do what we want, or does what we do not want. The frustration and anger that we then create and feel in response can be traced back to a belief that we learn from parents and teachers, that the world should dance to our tune, or the belief that we can control what we cannot control i.e. other people and events. Most of us are ‘carriers’ of this belief, which has become like a permanent subconscious ‘infection’. It then shapes our perception of events and people as negative when they do not do what we want. And that gives rise to negative thoughts. And the simplest definition of stress for a human being is simply ‘negative thinking’. That then triggers the emotions that we feel, and the attitude and behaviour follows accordingly.

Before anything can change for the better, before we can begin our journey to liberation from stress/suffering we have to drop the belief it’s them not me, and realise the truth that it’s me not them…. in absolutely every situation… without exception. Then comes the necessary work of changing the belief that you can control others and events which has to be replaced with the realisation of the truth that the one and only thing you can control in life is your self. Only then can you stop creating the frustration, which is anger, when others don’t do what you want. Only then will you be able to move out of a state of resistance into a mode of acceptance. That’s the moment when you stop trying to control what you can never control anyway. A moment that could be called kind of enlightenment! And you are then able to accept people in particular as you find them, and life in general as you find it. And as many enlightened parents and managers will tell you that’s is when you have maximum influence (not control). And what is one of life’s successes based upon? How well you learn to influence those around you. Try to control others and, in the long run, you lose your influence.

Feelings of stress, which are always emotions (that we feel) always have their roots in our beliefs. Some beliefs are obviously deeper and more powerful than others. For example if you believe the world is a dark and dangerous place (easy to assimilate if you read too many newspapers) you will perceive events and people as threatening so you will think negatively about events and therefore feel negative (fear and anger). If, on the other hand, you believe the world is an adventure playground you will perceive (interpret) all circumstances as an opportunity to play. Your thoughts and feelings will always be positive and uplifting not down heartening. If you believe the other person is stupid then you will likely create negative thoughts and feelings about them, which means around them ‘within’ your consciousness. You will then the one who feels continuously negative i.e. stressed in your relationship with that person. And so if you want to free yourself from stress then free yourself from your stressful beliefs.

This of course is a little easier said than done because most of our beliefs are outside of our day-to-day and moment-to-moment awareness. We need to surface these beliefs into our conscious awareness so that we can see what exactly we need to change. Hence the practical benefit we can gain from some form of contemplation or meditation. During such quiet moments we lower the line between our conscious and subconscious slightly, and up pops the belief that we forgot we believed, and have never therefore challenged. And when we see what are obviously stress creating beliefs we can then change them.

This process is sometimes referred to as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It’s useful, and it does work, as many more people are beginning to use it to change their self-created ‘stress experience’. But it is the long road home because there are so many beliefs within our learned and personal belief system. There is a quicker way. It is the ‘spiritual’ way. So next week we will explore and describe the essence of the ‘short road’ home.


Question: What current situation/relationship in your life today is triggering (not causing) your stress?

Reflection: Take a few moments and see if you can become aware of the beliefs you have created and are holding around the situation/person that are giving rise to your stress i.e. your negative thoughts and feelings.

Action: Action begins with changing your beliefs and perceptions about the situation/person. Write down the new stress free beliefs/perception. Then take a moment to visualise your new behaviour the next time you encounter that situation/person.
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Interesting Saying

You & I do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.
- Herb Cohen

The mark of a good conversationalist ? Pay attention to what people say !
- Larry King

To be a more effective staff, I need to ...Let go ..Embrace !

C.H.A.N.G.E.
Change is a an attitude of the mind and the place to start is within ourselves.
- John Harvey

Once you've accepted yourself, it's so much easier to accept other people & their points of view.
- Zig Ziglar